Child sick? I got it. I know exactly what meds they need, how often, and what will make them feel better. Baby up in the middle of the night? I’m already there. Toddler falls and gets hurt? They look to me for comfort and reassurance. Doctor’s appointment? Got the number saved and can recite everyone’s schedule from memory. These are just a handful of tasks that, as the default parent, I’m expected to handle.
But here’s the thing: there are two sides to this. First, I feel incredibly grateful that my children trust me to be their safe place. But second—let’s be real—I’m exhausted that every single task is automatically assumed to fall on me, with little to no relief in sight.
Being the default parent means: waking up the toddler, getting them dressed, cooking breakfast (and probably lunch and dinner too), styling their hair, managing their schedule, communicating with their school and doctors, handling paperwork for everything under the sun, packing and restocking the diaper bag, keeping up with their ever-changing wardrobe (sizes, weather—oh my!), curating their toy and book collection, stocking the medicine cabinet, and providing extracurriculars to fill their little souls with life experiences.
And we, default parents, do this… every. single. day. All of it. And more. Even when there are other adults around who could help, but often don’t. (They have their reasons, I know- whether it be fear, intimidation, or lack of patience at the time)
Look, I’m thankful my kids feel safe with me. I’m proud that they know I’m their rock, that they can take risks and know I’ll be there to catch them. Building an environment filled with love, positivity, and growth is one of my highest priorities. But the flip side? When I’m unavailable, and the other adults are floundering because they’ve never stepped into the default-parent role, the whole house falls apart. It makes everyone’s life harder. It makes the child’s life harder. And let’s just say, everyone’s on edge.
Here’s the bright side though: I’ve learned that communicating the importance of other caretakers occasionally stepping in (yes, I said occasionally) can really shift the dynamic. Suddenly, my toddler feels comfortable asking Dad for help, or letting Grandma put her shoes on. It doesn’t always have to be mommy. And I’m telling you—when that happens, it’s like a weight lifts off your shoulders.
Whew. Seriously, even one morning of not having to prepare breakfast for the entire household? It’s like hitting the jackpot. Small acts of support can have a huge impact on the mental load that comes with being the default parent.
We often get pegged as the “master” or the “know-it-all” for our kids, when in reality, we’re just winging it and figuring out what works best for our littles. So yes, I’m proud to be the default parent. It makes me feel like a responsible, loving, and accountable mom. But let’s be honest—it doesn’t take away the pressure I sometimes feel to always be the one to take care of everything.
So let’s help each other out, little by little. Trust me—everyone wins!